Attack of the Mommies (and the Daddies)

Get your friggin’ child under control.

I am so tired of being in an airplane with someone who lets their little brat run up and down the aisle. The child touches anything and everything as it walks by regardless of whether it’s food, mineral or iPod.

I would growl at the kid if the mush-brained woman in the next aisle wasn’t smiling so goofily that you know she’s aching to have one of these walking poop machines for herself.

It’s bad enough the brats are noisy distractions, but then their wide-assed parent has to come waddling behind the child, talking at full volume how funny their own child is.

They are not funny. They are out of control.

I am equally as tired of the little monsters running around my apartment swimming pool at night, screaming their heads off. This is usually followed by the mentally challenged parent yelling at their kid to be quiet because there are people sleeping.

Now, I’m smart enough to live in a very nice apartment complex and live on the opposite side of the complex from the pool. However, I’ve taken a liking to swimming at night as a way to reduce the day’s stress. This is shot to hell when the ill-mannered children show up.

They are that way because the parents are that way. Blame yourself and then fix it.

Oh, and please, don’t ask me if I think your child is the cutest baby in the world. I don’t.

Everyone thinks their baby is the cutest one in the world. For me, babies are a noisy, pooping mess. I don’t have a baby nor do I want one.

Nature made your baby cute in your eyes for one simple reason: survival. If the baby was ugly you might abandon it to go in search of something flashy at Wal-Mart.

Also, don’t tell me that your child is a precious miracle. It’s not.

Miracles are once-in-a-lifetime events such as manna falling from heaven and the 1980 U.S. Olympic Hockey team winning gold. Those are miracles.

Millions of children are born every year, which dictates birth is no longer a miracle. Don’t try to convince me otherwise because you’ll sound like a crystal-wearing religious fanatic.

Your child is not a miracle. It is a biological fact.

Uncontrollable children aren’t the fault of being poor or being a single parent. They are the result of stupid, lazy people having children.

I knew a single mother whose young children were the most behaved kids around. Why? Because she kept them in line. She wouldn’t let them get out of control. If they did, she disciplined them.

I’ve also seen the children of rich parents be totally out of control. Why? Because mommy and daddy make excuses for the child’s bad behavior and are a living example that the rules apply to others, not them.

I really appreciate those parents who keep their toddlers and young children under control. For those of you who do this (and I’m sure most of those folks think they don’t do it enough), I salute you. Thank you, sincerely.

For those of you who don’t, well, hell I wouldn’t expect you to read this or even think about it if you did. With your limited introspective abilities, I’m sure you’re in front of the television, watching QVC and hoping to buy something shiny.

There’s an old saying that goes “Children should be seen and not heard.” Hell, even when I’ve got my iPod on, these little brats are disturbing.